Blue as can be

Miss yooouuUu guys so much :(

It's been the first weekend post-departure and I was kinda caught offguard by just how miserable I felt today when I realized it's the weekend and neither of them were here.. Nobody to make silly faces with, laugh and destress with, go and dates with, be myself with... Haha yes i'm catastrophising a bit but i'm allowed to be a little self-indulgent for now, at least till I get more used to the starkness of being without them again. I'm looking forward to Shawn coming back from Dubai next wednesday (more than you can imagine!!) but dreading it a little too, cos after a week he'll be back in Chicago and i've to go through the transition all over again. Maybe it's the combination of being in the midst of prelims, adapting to communicating via a screen and getting used to quiet(er) days again, but i've been feeling really blue :( Praying that this cloud will pass and that i'll toughen up cos hey- we've been through 2 years of this, what's another 2 months in the greater scheme of things?? Just need to remember to keep going, the light may be elusive but it's always at the end of the tunnel.

The way I see it

:'( I want S to come home. My thoughts are all over the place..

Maybe a good place to start would be to be thankful. Truly thank God for BT and PW results, I couldn't have done it on my own strength at all. Thankful for my family. For Shawn, for his family. For moments of clarity and perspective where I get glimpses of the light at the end of this (very) dark and murky tunnel.

I don't know what exactly it is that's weighing down on my heart; a combination of knowing that the month ahead will be one of great stress and pressure (especially bearing the responsibility of something I never wanted to do in the first place), that i'll hardly be able to spend time with the people I love because rehearsals end late everyday and weekends are spent trying to make up for the work I couldn't do in the week.. but mostly, I think it's feeling like i'm stuck somewhere when every part of me is ready to leave and move on. I want to move on.

But while i'm still stuck and I still have to fulfill expectations and responsibilities, I will do it to the best of my ability. Exactly a month till i'm free from the stress of stage managing, and then another 4ish months till graduation! Till then, i'll keep my eyes on the author and perfecter of my faith and remember that in the grander scheme of things, all of this isn't so bad.

Trust

Over the past week, I've had 3 consecutive 8a.m schooldays, one 9a.m one, a root canal surgery and (possibly worst of all), a really really low morale. Of course there've been upsides to the downs; got to finally meet some old friends to catch up over coffee, spent time with jo before she leaves for China and mum and dad came back (!) but I still feel like i'm emerging from this break more battered and tired than before.. and unprepared for block tests next week :( I've been very conscious about my unproductivity but yet it's so difficult to break out of the ennui especially because i've hardly been at home over the past week, and when I am, I spend the better part of it lamenting about the ache in my tooth and feeling sorry for myself.

I think I forget too often that God is in control of everything; from the minute details to the huge pictures, and I worry too much about things that He never intended me to worry about. There are two days left and i'm honestly afraid (more of disappointment in myself than anything else) but i'm going to do my best with what I have and remember the promise in Matthew 11:28-30:
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls."

As for me, I trust in You.

Beautiful in His time

Maybe I spoke too soon? :( My heart is suddenly twinging with sadness though things are fine in my head. I wish with all my heart that S wasn't so far away from me now cos it feels like he's the only one who can truly make things right. Sometimes I wish I didn't feel a need to be brave about these things; when the ones closest to you are near you don't have to learn to cope on your own.. but when they're not, you just do because that's how you keep going. But in all this my heart is comforted by Jeremiah 29:11- For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

From where I'm standing, sometimes I can't see why things are the way they are- why i'm in the school i'm in, why the bulk of my relationship has to be long distance, why I didn't acheive what I wanted to, why circumstances just seem so unfair.. but where I can't see the road ahead, I know God has still marked a path. Where I feel stifled and disappointed, I know He holds my hand and lifts my head. Amidst my many 'whys', I know I may not see the answers now, but He has promised to make everything beautiful in His time, and that is assurance enough for me.

Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;

That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.
--Reinhold Niebuhr

This prayer resonates deeply with me.. Helps me to keep things in perspective and to keep going no matter what comes my way.

Just Keep Swimming

To New Beginnings

Wow.. It's the last day of 2009 already? Lots of people have started writing tributes to the year that's ending and it kinda makes me feel uncomfortable, because i'm honestly not ready for 2010 :( This is the first time in quite awhile where I can't look at the new year in the eye with a "bring it on" kinda attitude- I feel like it's gonna bring too many challenges and things i'm generally unprepared for.

There's nothing I can do about time though, so I might as well jump on the bandwagon and bid adieu to 2009 while i'm here :) It's been a rough year, difficult on many different levels, but I can confidently say that it has toughened me up and made me stronger and yes! braver! which is what I prayed for on too many nights this year. I'm thankful to God for challenging me and allowing me to go through tough times (although I definitely wasn't feeling thankful at the time haa) but leading me through them with His grace and strength.

It's been a year of change- a new environment, starting over in JC, learning what it truly means to be humble and trying my best to have a gentle and quiet spirit (haha key word is trying..) even when I felt like things were really unfair. On the relationship front too; it's the first time S and I were apart for such a long time! Almost 8 months with him in Chicago and me back here, but we learnt to adapt and it worked out fine. Thank God for skype!! It's a lifesaver and that's how we still see each other and talk everyday :) I'm very thankful for Shawn's presence in my life through 2009 too- he keeps me grounded, reminds me about finding joy in the little things and manages to make me laugh even when I least feel like it. Thanks babe, you've been the biggest blessing and even though I don't feel ready for the new year, I know you'll be there walking/running/crawling/jumping through the months with me, and that makes it ok :)

I don't even want to talk about school here (haha still working on the mindset!) but because of the cool friends I've made, I will :) It brought too much unecessary drama (pun intended ;) ) and I can't say I'm fully reconciled with how some things were done/are done there, but all in all, i'm thankful that it provides me a place to grow academically and to take my A levels :) Also thankful for great classmates- Fat you've been a lifesaver this whole year.. Tolerating my moods and always showering me with affection haha :) It makes a big difference. And Juls!! Always sweet and calm in temperament, thanks for being there. And Weng for being someone I can argue loads with but still wanna be friends with haha. One more year together guys, let's do it well :)

I'm not used to typing so much! Gonna end this soon cos if I thank everyone, it'll take forever. But Jo and Sop have been the best girlfriends as always, and I probably wouldn't have made it through 2009 without the constant love and support from my awesome family :) and speaking of family.. Shawn's family has been a huge blessing in my life, always bringing me out for nice meals and making sure i'm ok when he's not around :) I really thank God for the people who have come into my life this rocky year to help and support me.

I started this post in the morning, left it to meet S to record our prayers/wishes for the new year by the river (new tradition!), and then came home for dinner with the family and continued it. Wouldn't say i'm all set to face 2010 now, especially because Shawn's leaving on Saturday morning.. which means i'll have to face up to everything i've kinda been avoiding (like the stack of work I have to do!!) and get used to the distance again. Won't be easy but i'll do what i've learnt this year- be brave and just bite the bullet and get on with it! Though 2010 doesn't promise easy times, I know I have God who's stronger and bigger than all the challenges i'll face, and great people in my life to support me through it :) Here's to the new beginnings that the new year will bring! As always, may we all continue to hope, love, and be joyful in all things :) Happy New Year everyone!

Peace

Dempsey last weekend

So glad I went to see the doctor today (finally) and stayed home to rest and just be away from the craziness that is school. I think I should learn to totally emotionally detach myself from it so I won't get so affected by people that are honestly not worth it.. Still, I'll never regret standing up for the things I believe in, no matter how my intentions may be misconstrued. Thankful for great friends too (especially you fat:) ), you make school bearable, and it helps knowing i'm not alone.

I kinda want to erase the whole thing from my mind though- once project work is over hopefully all this will end for good. One more week of enduring with her presence and comments for oral presentation, and then we're done. Praying that i'll learn to always have a peaceful heart, one that doesn't anger easily and that can let go and let God.. It's been hard and I haven't been the best person these days, but i'm working on it.

Yesterday I talked to mum in the car on the way home, got it all out of my system and listened to her point of view- it put things in perspective. And when I got home, Shawn's mum called! Hah we talked and she prayed, and my heart felt much lighter and better after that too:) Very thankful for the people that are in my life who love me and make things better- if ever I forget about God's love for me, it is all of you that help me to remember. Thank you:).

On my mind

So glad that mum is back, missed her a lot over the past 10 days :( I realise I treasure our daily car rides to school a lot, and I feel kinda lost when I don't have her around to talk to.. Had to go to school for pw in the afternoon, but the rest of the day made up for it. Spent time with mum and dad over dinner, and we watched Dunas at the Da:ns festival- didn't think I would enjoy watching Flamenco but it was really really good! We had great seats :)

I realised something over the past week.. The reason why I tend to keep my school and 'outside' life in completely separate compartments is because i'm generally really unhappy in school. I feel that the culture and the way some things are done go against what I believe in, and the ones supposed to be setting the positive examples do the exact opposite.. I don't know- maybe it's just me, but I feel like I can't be myself and i've to put my guard up all the time when i'm in school because it's an environment never free from judgement or unfairness. But on the bright side.. It makes me much more appreciative of my life out of school, and for the assurance that no matter how bad things get, i'll always have a place that's free from all the messiness and madness that school brings.

Tonight's a good night- For the first time in the whole week, I got to spend more than 2 hours at one shot talking to Shawn and just spending time together:) The physical distance is always hard, but we've learnt to get around it and we're continuously learning how to always make the most of it. Hah today's post is all over the place.. but I needed to get all that off my chest. And even though school brings me down a lot and makes me feel helpless sometimes, I need to remember that nothing is impossible for my God.. He's bigger than all the problems and struggles I face, and He has blessed me greatly with people who love me, so i'm never alone:)

This I know

I really thank God for my results.. all of them, even the notsogood. This academic year has been a long and difficult journey but i'm glad I kept going, and that my effort for math and econs paid off. Especially math!! Only by His grace and strength. One thing that has been very assuring to me is that through the whole year, I've never doubted if I made the right choice in switching to JC.. never had the disconcerting feeling that i'm in the wrong place, although I may have hit many low points in the process. Sometimes it's unrewarding and the culture and environment may not be what I hoped for, but at the end of the day, I know that I made the right decision- and that, to me, is the most important thing.

Never alone

Babe,



















It's very unlike me to wear my heart on my sleeve like this, but it's something I just felt like doing. . Just want to say that i'm so thankful for you in my life, to have someone walking beside me every step of the way. The past few weeks have been tough for me because of the stress of school and frustration towards projwork, and I know I haven't been the easiest person to deal with.. especially when the I keep dwelling on the distance although it hurts you too. One thing I really appreciate is how you never fail to remind me how proud you are of me, and that you believe in me.. for telling me to leave it to God and to just have faith. This weekend has been a tough and rocky one for you too with many different things happening, and I know it's a hard time to be away- but I want you to know that I am truly proud of you for staying strong, and i'm here for you no matter what. I'm with you all the way and i'll support you through all things, just as you've been doing for me.

Knowing that I have you makes all the difference in the world; we'll make it through this period together with God holding our hands :)

"Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work:
If one falls down, his friend can help him up.
But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!
Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.
But how can one keep warm alone?
Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken."
-Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

366 days

It's been one year and one day since you flew off to Chicago for the first time; I remember feeling like it was the end of the world that you were going, even though I knew you'd be back in December again. When I think about how much has changed (and how much HASN'T changed!) since then, I feel so thankful and amazed that a year has passed since that Sunday morning. That was the start of this journey that has exponentially increased our trust, faith and hope in each other and in God, trust that goes beyond distance and circumstances and the belief that everything will work out fine even when it doesn't feel like it.

Truth be told, it hasn't always been easy, but I think we've done pretty well for ourselves :) It takes commitment, time and effort every single day (especially on your part, which i'm always thankful for) to communicate and be a part of each other's lives despite the distance- and when it comes down to it, it's about staying best friends and making the most out of what we have in every circumstance.

Above all I'm thankful for the lessons that the past year has taught me and how we've grown together and as individuals- We have a couple more years to go, looks like we're in it for the long haul huh babe :) Looking forward to facing/embracing whatever lies ahead with you!

Lilies

The past weekend was the best of my life :) I'll talk about it more.. soon. For now I feel incredibly blessed and contented with the way things are; embracing the present and full of hope for the future. Thankful for everything I've been blessed with and I pray that I won't forget this feeling when the going gets tough. No matter what lies ahead I know we're more than conquerors through Him who strengthens us.. so we can rest assured in His love:) Bursting with things to say but it can wait! So excited for the new chapter and many adventures that lie ahead.. It's gonna be an awesome journey:)

Struggling

Too much disappointment for one week. I don't measure my own acheivements by how the people around me are doing- I measure it by improvement and what I know i'm capable of. To be doing well in relation to how everyone else does means little to me, and the truth is that i'm still disappointed with myself for not reaching my targets.

Rushed home to change for BTT practice and realised I was locked out of the house; missed the practice timing and ended up failing the actual thing although I passed the evaluation. Disappointed. Taking it again on the 22nd of August and I will pass.

Another issue that has been weighing down on me is how I've been feeling physically. I could tolerate the multiple blood tests although one of my greatest fears are needles; but what I really have trouble dealing with is the breathlessness that comes with iron-deficiency anaemia. Multiple times through the day I feel like I can't breathe right, and that i'm not getting enough oxygen, but there's nothing I can do about it. I just have to keep taking iron supplements and wait for my body to produce new red blood cells that hopefully contain enough haemoglobin to carry adequate oxygen to my lungs.. but it frustrates me to no end that there's nothing I can do to make it better except to just wait.

I know I need to stop dwelling on things that can't be changed, one of my hugest struggles is getting over failure and moving on when things don't go my way. I wish I was better at it but i'm not; I get completely thrown off course when things don't go according to plan, and then I cry and dwell on it and take ages to stop feeling terrible about it. Wish I was better at just dealing with things.. Please pray for me if you can.

16 more days.

Keep moving forward

Wish weekends lasted longer.

I'm really really tired. Tired in the ready to throw in the towel and concede defeat kinda way. Telling myself it will get better when the college play ends in mid May, it will get better after the first week of June ends and pre-U sem is over.. But isn't that true with anything? That it will get better eventually; just give it time? I just know that there's a never-ending list of things to do, and i'm tired of trying to cross things out of that list. The only thing I can do is try my best and do what I can, and pray that it's enough. Gotta stop trying to please everybody, I think there comes a point where you just decide that you can't be what other people expect you to be all the time.

He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust." - Psalm 91:1-2

Counting my blessings

Things to be thankful for:

1) Chennopop aka the best older sister ever is coming home in 12 days!!

2) It's March, which means we're one step closer to August! and August means my favourite person in the whole world won't be 9000miles away anymore :)

3) That i've been able to keep up with most lessons and that I enjoy what I learn

4) No lessons tomorrow cos it's CrossCountry day (also means I get to wake up a little later!)

--
Today wasn't such a good day, but I feel much better after making the list above :) It really does help to put things in perspective; crappy days will always come but what counts is how you choose to deal with it. I guess it's a conscious choice not to be weighed down by negativity and to hold on to what I believe in regardless of how it's perceived. Joy comes from recognising the things and people i've been blessed with (both big and small!) and knowing that He's by my side through every season :)

New chapter

So school starts tomorrow, one week of orientation. When people ask me how I feel to be starting I can never identify a particular feeling, because I feel a thousand different things at the same time.

What I do know is that i'm gonna do everything I can not to mess this up- I wouldn't call my time in Ngee Ann a mistake but it definitely was a costly lesson. A part of me is excited to be attending SAJC, it'll be great being next door to Mum and it makes transport much easier! But in all honesty I'm really thankful that SAV is a campus i'm familiar with, thankful for the opportunity to start over there, thankful that I finally know what I want and that i'm determined to make it work.

I'll be the first to admit that it's difficult to keep things in perspective amidst the inevitable doubts and fears, especially when I think about how I could have been taking A levels this year if I made different choices. But i've thought about it long and hard, and I think above all, the one thing that has resonated loud and clear is that I can't change what's in the past, but I can change my response to it; I can control how I move forward from it.

So a new chapter of my life is starting and I'll step into it with courage and faith. All I can do is pray, hope, and above all know that i'm never alone. :)

Perspective

Kinda weary but hopeful. Keeping things in perspective and not sweating the small stuff. Above all, taking comfort in the knowledge that better days will come in time.

Here's to Hope, Joy and Contentment!

This year has been one of many transitions- chapters were closed and new ones were opened, and I survived circumstances that I thought I'd never get through. I've always found it impossible to compress or summarize a whole year into a few sentences, so this year I'm not even going to try! 2008 hasn't been easy, but the lessons I learnt along the way and the people I've been blessed with more than make up for the difficult moments.

2009 is a few hours away and the honest truth is that i'm scared to death of starting the new year. It's like diving headfirst into the deep end of the pool and I'm not sure if i'm ready for everything that 2009 holds. I only wish and pray for 3 things in the coming year- Hope, Joy and Contentment.

I want to be full of hope for the future that He holds, to find joy even in the toughest circumstances, to be contented with all that I have. So here's to 2009 and to new beginnings- Above all, I know I don't have to be afraid because my God is with me :)

On my mind

Mum and Dad are flying off to Israel for 2 weeks tomorrow night, I'm excited for them but sad too, cos i'll miss them lots.

That leaves Clarebear and I at home! Bad timing though, because I'll be working every single day for the rest of this week at Expo with Sop. It's pretty ironic how 2 such non-IT people are working at an IT fair... Haha! Longgg working hours and expo is so.extremely.far from home but new experiences are always good, so i'm gonna be positive about it. :)

This entire week will be spent working, then NEXT SUNDAY Chenxi comes home!!! Just thinking about it makes me so happy. From next week onwards things are gonna be pretty awesome because everyone I love is coming home. Plus Christmas is cominggg- hands down the best time of the year!

I realised today that I like my life the way it is now- Simple. I'm contented with who I am and what I have, and at this point I wouldn't want things any other way. :)